Title: The Zen of Third Season
Author: Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Just your run-of-the-mill parody.
Spoilers: Third Season. The whole painful miasma.

Author's Notes: I was flipping through some old disk files today, and I pulled this up. *g* I got a kick out of reading it, so I thought I should share it. Just remember - this was written towards the end of Third Season.


< The scene is in the Bronze during any third-season episode, where a band of questionable talent is on the stage mangling notes. XANDER, WILLOW, and OZ are seated at a table. There is a very uncomfortable atmosphere as Willow glances from one boy to the other. >

Willow: So....

Oz: This is nice...

Xander: < suspiciously > Are you insinuating something by that?

Oz: Am I?

Xander: You're speaking volumes in your non-speech!

< both boys glare at each other >

Willow: Stop, stop that!

< no effect >

Willow: Oh, look, there's Angel!

Xander: < muttering > Make my day complete...

< ANGEL runs up, slightly disheveled to indicate worry and anxiousy, though not enough so as to make him look anything less than gorgeous >

Angel: How's my hair? Has anyone seen Buffy?

Willow: Nope, I was too busy researching the occult, having moments of indecision between Xander and Oz, and sticking pins into my voodoo doll of Faith.

Xander: Nope, I was too busy eating snack food, being hit over the head by the Demon Of The Week, and choosing which female cast member to brood over and lust after for the week.

Oz: Nope, I was too busy practicing in my band, following at Willow's heels like a puppy-dog, and re-dying my hair.

Xander: We all assumed she was at the mansion being tempted by the possibilities of commiting immoral actions with you that would result in the re-emergence of Angelus.

Angel: Well, usually you'd be right, but since I've started wearing shirts again the rate of those occurances have cut down remarkably.

Willow: Buffy could be training with Giles or Wesley, which as a Slayer she does often.

< enter GILES and WESLEY, both looking a bit out of place in the Bronze atmosphere. Yet strangely, none of them attract any attention as the Bronze patrons continue to act as though none of the SCOOBY characters exist. >

Giles: Alas, no. She has not been to the library all night, nor called in, and since she is not here I have begun to fear for her safety in a very supportive father-figure way.

Fans: Aww, he's being parental.

Wesley: To make the characters hate me even more, I'm going to make a comment that will reinforce my naive regarding all Slayer matters, and give the impression that I don't care about Buffy, when in reality the comment stems only from my own inexperiance.

Wesley: I'm sure she'll be fine. My mission scenario for an instance such as this assures me that she is safe and sound.

Fans: Boo, hiss.

Oz: Maybe she's with Faith.

< As if on cue, FAITH steps out of the crowd. >

Willow: To emphasize my dislike of you, I'm going to make a pointed comment and give you a chilly attitude.

< pause >

Willow: What are you doing here?

Faith: To reinforce the fans dislike of me for my apparent defection to the Mayor, despite the fact that my motives for doing such remain unknown and might yet turn out to be inculpable, I'm going to remind everyone of my actions towards Xander.

< pause >

Faith: Hi Xander.

Fans: Boo, hiss! How could you do that horrible thing to Xander?

Faith: Having succeeded in that, I'm now going to remove myself from the scene as quickly as possible and attempt to aid the plot as well.

Giles: Have you seen Buffy?

Faith: No. I'm now going to return to the excellent apartment the Mayor gave me to replace my rat-trap hotel room that the Watchers wouldn't even help me get out of.

Fans: You traitorous harpy!

< Faith leaves >

Angel: Well, since none of us have seen Buffy, she must be in horrendous danger. We have to find her right away!

Xander: Since, like us, Buffy has no social life, to the graveyard!

< hours later, all re-convene in the LIBRARY. All wear expressions of deep FEAR and SORROW >

Willow: Oh, no! Buffy wasn't at the graveyard! She must be dead!

Wesley: Wait, have we tried calling her house?

Xander: Shut up, you English ninny. How can you suggest such a thing during our time of pain?

< enter CORDELIA, quite unexpectedly >

Cordelia: I've come to deliver a cutting remark to Xander that tears at his weak self-esteem and also mentions his dysfunctional family. Then I'll leave again, having earned my paycheck for the week.

< pause >

Cordelia: Xander, did your alcoholic mother pick out that shirt?

< CORDELIA turns and exits as XANDER hangs his head in pain >

Wesley: Maybe we really should-

Fans: Boo! Hiss! You can never be correct!

< enter BUFFY >

All: Buffy!

Buffy: Um... hi. What's the fuss about?

Giles: You weren't at the Bronze or the graveyard, so we thought that you were dead.

Buffy: Um, no, I was at home.

Wesley: I-! *he gives up*

< long pause >

Angel: Hi, Buffy.

Buffy: Hi, Angel.

< BUFFY gives ANGEL an indiscernable look >

Fans: *swooning* Just feel the forbidden passion! Oh! True love!

< BUFFY gestures at ANGEL, and he glances down. Blushing slightly, he ZIPS his fly. >

Fans: *still swooning* Oh, they communicate without words! Soulmates!

< GILES starts to CLEAN his glasses >

Fans: Yea! Go Giles!

< WILLOW sits down. OZ sits next to her. >

Fans: Aw, they're so cute!

< XANDER eats a candy bar >

Fans: Yea! Go Xander!

< WESLEY clears his throat >

Wesley: Um, shouldn't be be researching the big evil of the week?

Fans: Boo! Shut up Wesley!

< WESLEY sighs. All others return to previous activities. >

And the season drags on.....