Warning! Intentional badfic! Title: Women, Beer, and Methos
Author: Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Part: 1/1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Highlander, or Forever Knight. Wish I did, but I don't.

Spoilers for "Graduation 2" and "Methos" (but if you don't know who Adam Pierson is, than you probably shouldn't be reading this fic.)

Dedication: Jenni W.

Warning: BADFIC!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe was cleaning down the bar after a long night of serving beer after beer after beer to Methos.

~Man,~ he thought, ~one of these days I'm dragging his 5000 year old ass to an AA meeting. Maybe then I'll be able to sell it to the *paying* customers.~

Joe was jolted out of his thoughts by a loud banging on the window. Looking out, he saw a stunning blonde standing forlornly in the rain. Being a Kindly Barkeep(tm), he hurried over and let her in.

"Thanks," she said, shaking out her blonde hair as she removed her jacket. Her green eyes were filled with a sadness far too deep for any so young to have experienced. Joe felt a mild twinge of regret that she was so young - just 18 was his guess - because that definitely put her far out of his dating range.

~Better keep her away from Duncan, though,~ Joe mused, ~That kilted idiot will go after anything in a skirt.~

The blonde once again interrupted his thoughts. "My name is Buffy Summers." she said sadly.

"I'm Joe." he said. "I own this bar."

"Would it be too much trouble if I waited here for a few friends? I normally wouldn't ask, as you're closed, but we've all gone through some really bad relationship troubles - especially me - and if we went to an open bar we'd never get anything done. All the guys - and some of the girls - keep hitting on us." her wide green eyes were pleading, and Joe melted before that soft regard.

"Sure, no problem." Joe said. At her request, Joe provided the tiny blonde with three shot glasses, a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of whiskey.

A few minutes later, a woman in her mid-twenties walked in, her curly brown hair tumbling down her back. Joe considered for a moment, but once again came to the sad conclusion that she was too young for him.

The brunette walked straight over to the table where the blonde was sipping at a glass of vodka.

"Hey Buffy."

"Hey Natalie."

The brunette seated herself and immediately followed the blonde's example in pouring herself a glass of vodka.

About ten minutes later, the door opened again, and in walked Amanda. With a sigh, Joe concluded that while Amanda was certainly old enough - though she hardly looked more than 25 of her more than 1000 years - Duncan-the-Moron would kill him if he even gave her a second look. Considering how many women Duncan saw on the side, it was pretty stupid of him to begrudge Joe at least a chance with Amanda, but hey, this is the Highlander we're talking about. If we wanted intelligent decisions, we'd go talk to Methos.

Amanda walked right over to the table where the other two women were sitting and grabbed the whiskey bottle. Accepting the glass that Buffy offered, she poured herself a generous shot and tossed it back with barely a grimace.

Silence reigned for a few more minutes, until Natalie - who was now on her second glass of vodka - burst out, "DAMN NICK!!"

Buffy gave her a sisterly pat on the back as she said, "Go on, Natalie, let it all out."

"I am *SO* sick of his bitching!" Natalie said, apparently taking Buffy's advice to heart. "Whine, whine, whine. That's all I ever get. Would it be too much to hope to get a little action out of the guy? No, all I get is the constant whimpering, stupid flashbacks, and old enemies and flames."

"I get that feeling a lot too." Amanda noted mildly, but not interrupting in Natalie's entirely justified tirade.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch, about how:
'He was brought across in 1228,
Preyed on humans for their blood,
Now he wants to be mortal again,
To repay society for his sins,
To emerge from his world of darkness...,
From his endless..................FOREVER KNIGHT.'"

Buffy and Amanda winced in sympathy. While Buffy patted Natalie on the back, Amanda poured her another glass of vodka.

"Thanks, I needed to vent. I feel better now." the brunette said.

"So why do you stay with him, Natalie?" Amanda asked.

"Well...." Natalie thought for a moment. "He's got the car."

The other two women nodded in understanding.

"That *is* a great car." noted Buffy.

"Plus, I mean, he makes a great lab-rat. I might eventually dust him with the little drinks I keep whipping up for him, but whatever happens it's going to make a great study for the medical journal."

The other two women nodded in understanding.

"I wish I was getting as much out of my relationship." Buffy said dismally.

"What did the bastard do now?" Amanda asked angrily.

"Would you like a list?" Buffy said wryly, taking another sip of her vodka. "The man is worse than Perot in the '92 elections. 'I'm staying' 'I'm leaving' 'No, wait, I could never leave you' 'Whoops, I was wrong, I'm leaving'."

"They're all like that," Natalie grumped, "I think it comes from being dead. Though, really, you'd think that would make men more decisive, but noooooo."

"I haven't gotten to the best part, yet." Buffy warned. "This is right after he drank a few pints of my blood."

"EEEEWWWW!" yelled Natalie and Amanda.

"Did you get a rabies shot?" worried Amanda.

"Yeah, luckily the doctors gave me one. God only knows what diseases he was carrying."

"Did he at least appologize?" Natalie asked.

"Nope." Buffy said. "But he really seemed to enjoy it waaaay too much, and now I get the bad feeling that he's just waiting around to get another taste. Whenever I get cut or anything, *poof* he's there. His eyes are suspiciously cheerful, too."

"Yikes." said Amanda.

"First I can't have sex with him, now this. Not to mention the *CONSTANT* brooding. Ugh. I swear, he's worse than Nick sometimes."

Natalie cleared her throat.

"Okay, okay," Buffy amended, "he doesn't have the stupid flashbacks, but you have to admit that he has more time to brood. At least Nick has job. Angel is an unemployed brooder."

"So why do you stay with him?" Amanda asked.

Buffy paused for a long moment, wracking her mind for reasons. At last she slumped down on the table. "He's a great kisser, and you have to admit, he's gorgeous."

"So it's all physical." Natalie noted.

"I *wish*!" Buffy said. "I mean, if it was a relationship based entirely on sex, that would be an improvement. As it is, this is a relationship based entirely on the occational make-out session, which is immediately followed by a ton of brooding on his part because of the fact that if we ever get up-close and personal again, he'll lose his soul."

"And that would be a bad thing how?" Amanda asked.

Buffy paused another moment. "Well, I don't like the whole Killing-People-And-Sending-The-World-To-Hell part, but he did have the whole Bad-Boy-In-Leather-Pants thing going for him. Plus there was a nice lack of brooding, and he actually had a pretty good sense of humor without a soul."

Buffy considered a moment, than shook her head. "No, I'm still pissed at Angelus for doing the nasty with Drusilla. If it wasn't for the infidelity factor, I'd jump at the chance."

Natalie turned to Amanda. "So how about you, Amanda?"

Amanda downed another whiskey. "Duncan McLeod. The Highlander. Mr. 'I've Slept With Every Female Immortal and Probably a Few Of The Males'. Mr. 'I Use My Sword To Solve Any Problem'. Mr. 'I Obviously Never Attended School'. Mr. 'I Have A Truly Idiotic Sense Of Honor That Apparently Doesn't Extend Into Anything Resembling Fidelity'."

The other two women nodded.

"That pretty much sums it up, yeah." Buffy said.

"Why are we stuck in these dead-end relationships with idiot Immortals and Vampires?" Amanda moaned.

"Hey, at least you get sex. Natalie and I are stuck in celibacy, which really sucks."

Silence fell over the table as the women continued to drink.

Just then, the front door opened and in sauntered - he didn't walk, he sauntered - Methos. He sprawled - he didn't sit, he sprawled - into a chair and yelled, "JOE! Can I have a beer?!"

As Joe handed a six-pack to the Immortal, the three women cast him a few appreciative glances.

Buffy suddenly smiled. It was a very evil little smile, and Natalie and Amanda looked up with interest.

"How about," the Slayer drawled, "we give the guys something to *really* brood over."

Natalie cast a speculative glance at Methos. "I could certainly live with that."

Amanda smirked. "I'm liking this idea."

Getting up, the three women sauntered - in the very predatorial way that women have - over to where Methos sat.

Methos, being an intelligent man, was suspecting that this might be one of the luckier nights in his 5000 years.

This suspicion continued as Buffy smoothly sat down on his lap, Natalie nuzzled his neck, and Amanda gently tweaked his nose.

He didn't resist as the three women led him out of the bar and back to his apartment.

....The next day....

"YOU DID WHAT????!!!!!!" shrieked Nick. Natalie just smirked at him as she calmly cut open the corpse in front of her.


"YOU DID WHAT????!!!!!!" shrieked Angel. Buffy just smirked at him as she calmly staked the vampire in front of her.


"YOU DID WHAT????!!!!!!" shrieked Duncan. Amanda just smirked at him as she calmly beheaded the Highlander in front of her.


In his apartment, Methos just lounged backwards and resolved to just sprawl around today. After all, he'd had a busy night...


Joe recieved the news that Duncan McLeod had been killed with mixed feelings. On the down side, Duncan was dead.

On the bright side, Amanda was now free to date.