Title: Spike the Garden Gnome Slayer
Author: Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG
Genre: Parody - Utterly outrageous parody
Disclaimer: *smirk* This idea is mine. Buffy the Vampire Slayer remains Joss' property, but this parody idea was cooked up by ME! Ha!
Spoilers: References up to Season Four
Author's Notes: This is one of my weirdest fic-lets ever. Seriously. I think I might've outdone the cows with this one. And I might even pull a mini-series out of this. Be warned.

Dedication: The FINNatic RP crowd, especially those who were around when I first beat this idea to death. The Watcher's Council crowd, for supporting me in my insanity. And the Fictalk crowd, as a (very) belated one-year anniversary wackiness fic. Special SO to Zak, for being his snazzy self, and to Genevieve for her amazing new website.


< cue intro music >

Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One vamp in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the garden gnomes, to seek out their places of gathering and halt the spread of their numbers. He is.... The Slayer.


Until he was 135, Spike thought that he was just a normal vampire. He had all the regular worries of a vampire -- murder, mayhem, and Manchester United -- never suspecting that he was destined to be something greater.

One night, however, when Spike was hanging out on the steps of a local vampire bar, he was approached by a man named Sherrik, who identified himself as Spike's Watcher, and explained to the vampire about his sacred duty. Spike was extremely sceptical, but agreed to meet Sherrik at a local arboretum, where for the first time he was faced with a garden gnome. Spike slew the garden gnome, and realized beyond a shadow of a doubt the truth of Sherrik's words.

Soon after, however, a Master garden gnome named Cothos came to town, and killed Sherrik. Spike was able to destroy Cothos, but to do so he had to burn down the vampire bar. In his need to keep his identity a secret, he could not defend his actions, and despite a possible theory set forth by a local fire chief that the fire could've been started by mice -- mice that were smoking -- Spike had to leave the city, and move to the one-Gap town of Sunnyvale.

In Sunnyvale, Spike met his new Watcher, a local librarian named Rupert Niles. Together with Niles and two local students -- Sandra Harris and Will Rosenberg -- Spike faced the nightly swarm of garden gnomes that threatened the safety of humanity and vampires alike.

During this time, however, Spike also met a mysterious -- and very short -- woman named Sereph, who would show up from time to time to give Spike cryptic hints. Over several months, Spike found himself falling deeply and passionately in love with Sereph - and one night she revealed that she felt the same towards him. However, Spike discovered that Sereph herself was a garden gnome, though she had been cursed with a soul by gypsies and was now seeking redemption.

Even though they knew that their love was doomed from the beginning, Spike and Sereph found that they could not deny the love that lay between them. The night of Spike's 137th birthday, they consummated their relationship, and the curse on Sereph was broken as she experienced a moment of true happiness. An anguished Spike found himself facing Serephus - the Scourge of Eastern Europe.

After months of heartache and terror, Serephus' soul was returned by Will, just in time for a devastated Spike to send her to Hell in order to save the world from a demon that Serephus had been about to unleash. After months, Sereph mysteriously returned, though both she and Spike knew that they could not be around each other and not end up screwing like ferrets. So Sereph left a heart-broken Spike and went to Los Gnomus - the City of Gnomes.

Spike mourned his lost love, but slowly again became strong enough to try and move forward with his un-life, just as he and Will Rosenberg head off to Sunnyvale Community College. There, Spike met a charming Psych TA named Ronnie Flinn.

Spike found himself deeply attracted to the adorable and honest Ohio-bred Ronnie Flinn. He was shocked to discover, however, that Ronnie was actually a member of the ultra-secret government group: The Purgative.

Spike learned that The Purgative was a military operation dedicated to capturing Garden Gnomes -- or, as the Purgative called them - Hostile-Lawn-Terrestrials (aka HLTs) -- and implanting them with controlling chips. These neurological chips prevent the HLTs from attacking any living things, of any kind, without intense pain in the plastic-hat region.

All seemed kosher, and Spike and Ronnie join forces, but then it was discovered that Professor Welsh (the Purgative's head scientist) had a different itinerary. Using parts gathered from captured Garden Gnomes, she created a hybrid of human, machine, and Garden Gnome. It was kept secret as Project 413, but rumors drifted.

After deciding that Spike had too much of an influence over Agent Flinn, Welsh attempted to kill the vampire by trapping him in a sewer with a faulty weapon and two fierce Garden Gnomes armed with little shovels and wheelbarrows while Ronnie was patrolling with her two friends, sorority sisters, and fellow agents - Florence Gills and Gretchen Muller. Spike destroyed the Garden Gnomes and escaped, now realizing that The Purgative had more layers than an onion. Welsh learned that Spike survived, but was killed by her creation - her 'daughter' - Eve.

Though remaining together with Ronnie, Spike broke with the Purgative as both the military group and Spike's own Sloopy Gang seek to disable the evil and exceedingly powerful Eve through their different methods.


My personal proof that Joss read this fic