Title: Spike White and the Seven Slayerettes
Author: Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Part: 1/1
Disclaimer: Been there, disclaimed that.

Author's Note: This is the result of when I go babysitting and have to read "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" six horrendous times to get little Amy and Keenan to finally just shut up and go to sleep.

I just got back from that grueling torment, so this might be a bit rough....

Oh, yeah. The challenge. {grin} Okay, venting done.

Name the seven Slayerettes! (I've really lost it, but that just makes it more fun!)


Dedication: Karen and Vamp Baby. {grin} I think you two will enjoy this.

Long ago, in a far away kingdom, there lived a sexy Brit named William the Bloody. But for some unknown reason (work with me here, people) everyone called him Spike White.

His stepsire, Angelus, was cruel and vain. He hated anyone who might be as hot as he was, and he watched his stepchilde with angry, jealous eyes.

Angelus had connections, and using these connections he had aquired a magic mirror. Every day when he was gelling his hair (a process that could take hours until he got the proper spiking effect) he would stand before the mirror and ask:

"Magic Mirror, on the wall,
Who is the hottest one of all?"

And every day the mirror answered (predictably enough):

"You are the fairest one of all,
With the grooviest hair my eyes have ever seen."

(For those of you wondering, his hair was groovy because of all the gel.)

As time passed, Spike White grew more and more sexy - and Angelus grew more and more envious.

(For those of you wondering, Angelus was envious because he had serious self-esteem issues.)

So he forced Spike White to dress in rags and work in the kitchen. This pissed Spike off, because doing dishes just wasn't his thing, but he still looked hot, even in the rags.

One day when Angelus spoke to his mirror, it responded with the words he had been dreading:

"Hot thou art,
But hold, a sexy Brit I see,
One who is more than thee."

"Who is it?" raged Angelus. (who really needed to practice more stress management)

"Four words and a hypon," replied the mirror, "Billy Idol wanna-be."

"Spike White?" shrieked Angelus. "But how could he be hotter than me? I have my Leather Pants (tm)!"

"True," said the mirror, "but he has his Leather Duster (tm)."

"He must be destroyed!" howled Angelus. (again, stress management needed)

So Angelus sent for Hunter Bob. (remember? that guy from Homecoming?)

"Take Spike White deep into the forest," he said, "and there, my faithful one, kill him."

The unhappy man begged Angelus to be merciful, but he would not relent. (that is, after all, why he is the villain of the fic.) "Remember my connections," Angelus warned, "Obey me, or you and your family will suffer."

THe next day Spike White, never suspecting that he was in danger, went off with the huntsman.

WHen they were deep in the forest, Hunter Bob drew his knife. Then he fell to his knees.

"I can't kill you," he sobbed (because he was An Emotionaly Secure Guy who was in touch with his feminine side, so it was okay.)

"Then why the bloody hell did you draw the knife, you pillock?" asked Spike White.

"It was Angelus who ordered this wicked deed." said Hunter Bob.

"Why? All I want to do is watch Manchester United and the dograces." said Spike White.

"He's mad with jealousy," said Hunter Bob. "Not even his Leather Pants (tm) can compete with your Way-Cool Duster (tm)." (can you tell that I like that duster?)

"It is a pretty neat Duster (tm)." acknowledged Spike White. So Spike White turned and sauntered off into the forest while Hunter Bob caught the next flight to Bora Bora.

After a while, Spike came to a small house in the middle of the forest. GOing inside (because some idiot had put out a 'Welcome' mat) Spike White saw that everything was out of order, with seven chairs, seven sets of dishes, and seven TV Guides scattered everywhere, but this didn't really bother him too much.

Going upstairs, he saw what appeared to be a small dormatory. Each bed had a name on it, and in total there were seven. (Spike White was starting to see a pattern). Sheepy, Stuffy, Dorky, Snotty, Witchy, Wolfy, and Jock.

He fell asleep on one of the beds, and woke up to find seven sets of eyes staring at him. (which isn't a fun way to wake up.)

They introduced themselves as the Seven Slayerettes, and offered to let him stay in the house while they spent each day researching and battling the forces of evil. Since they had cable, Spike White agreed.

Unfortunately, Angelus had learned from his mirror that Spike White was still alive. "This time," he hissed, "I'll finish him myself."

Disguising himself as Angel, Angelus filled a basket with blood bags, putting a poisoned one on top. "One sip," he cackled, "and Spike White will sleep forever. Then I'll be the hottest in the land!"

The next morning, before they left for the Library, the Slayerettes warned Spike White to be on his guard. He promised.

A few minutes later, Angelus came to the window. "Watching MTV?" he asked. "Wouldn't you like a nice bag of blood?" saying this, he held out the poisoned blood-bag to Spike White.

Spike White remembered the Slayerettes' warning. "But what harm can a whining, brooding, soul-filled nancy-boy do?" he thought. "And I could really go for a bag of blood."

He drank the poisoned blood-bag. Then, with a curse, he fell to the floor.

With another cackle, (because he liked cackling), Angelus left, content with the knowledge that he was now the hottest in the land. Unfortunately, on his way back to his lair, he ran afoul of a band of gypsies, and they gave him a soul. His hair was still groovy, but now he was more annoying than sexy.

But it was too late for Spike White. He was so good-looking, even in a coma, that the Slayerettes could not bear to part with him. They made him a coffin of glass and gold (luckily he didn't need to breathe) and stood vigil by it day and night. (because luckily they had no lives.)

One day a gorgeous Slayer came through the forest on patrol. Passing by the coffin, she stopped to talk with Stuffy. He informed her that, according to his research, only the blood of a Slayer could cure Spike White.

"Um....been there, done that, let's try something else." said the Slayer. And with that, she leaned down and gave Spike White a kiss.

To everyone's surprise, Spike White woke right up. (no annoying fluttering of lashes)

Once the two of them came up for air, Spike White gave the Slayer a devilish grin. "Hello, cutie." he said.

And so Spike White and the Slayer decided to have an unconventional relationship, and they lived happily ever after in unconventional bliss.

Go here to read people's guesses on who the Seven Slayerettes are.

Send your own guesses to snowshoe16@hotmail.com