Quick Summary: Buffy, Angel, Willow, Cordelia, Giles, and Xander are stuck on a satellite where the Mayor and Faith are sending them Badfanfic to read, and they keep their sanity by making sarcastic comments.
Dedication: My sincerest gratitude and apologies to Jenni W.
>>The Slayer's Hunter
Cordelia: How much longer *is* this story?
Willow: Well, knowing the way these authors can drag things on forever, maybe five or six more parts.
Giles: That doesn't sound very promising.
>>by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare and Stone Cold
Xander: Again with the rabbit-girl and the wrestler.
Angel: I don't think that the authors are going to change their names, Xander.
Xander: I can always hope.
>>Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy. The only
>>things that I can lay claim to are Hunter, Jesse, Jenny, and
>>Trevor. But they are mine, and no one else can play with them
>>without permission. Sorry, but I never picked up the Sesame Street
>>concept of sharing.
Buffy: On the bright side, though, it means that we'll never have to suffer through these characters in other fics.
>>Note: If you don't like angst and unhappiness, I recommend you
>>don't read this part.
Xander: Well, I don't like angst, but I know that Angel sure does.
Angel: It's a complex genre. A little more so than watching some kid get killed over and over again.
Xander: Kenny is an integral part of South Park!
Buffy: Guys, if you don't stop fighting than we'll *never* get through this.
>>This is *not* for the faint of heart, or the weak of stomach.
Willow: Well, I guess that counts *me* out.
Cordelia: Lucky you.
>>I recommend that if you fall into either of these two categories,
>>that you stop reading this series right now.
Willow: Woo hoo!
>>However, if you are feeling brave, or daring, please: read on.
Giles: I'm not feeling particularly inclined to either. Does that mean I don't have to read this?
Cordelia: If I have to read this, you have to read this.
>>And send me your comments, I'd really appreciate feedback. But
>>leave your flamethrowers at the door.
Angel: Dear Author, this sucked. Please do society a favor and never write again.
Buffy: Hun, that would fall under the category of flame.
Xander: Oooh, a border.
All: Oooh, ahhhh.
Cordelia: When are they going to get to the story?
Willow: Probably never.
Buffy: *More* borders! Be still my heart!
>>Everyone had come over, and the birthday party had run long, as
>>everyone was having too much fun to notice the time.
Angel: The large amount of liquor everyone had been drinking helped with this.
>>Hunter was curled up on the couch, nestled between his mother and
>>Grandpa Giles, when he heard his father announce that it was dusk.
Xander: What did I do, just say, "It is now dusk,"?
Cordelia: Knowing this story, you probably spelt it out with charades.
>>The happiness of the day dissolved in a moment at these dreaded
Buffy: This kid must really not like having to go to bed.
>>The first rule that Hunter had ever been taught was to come inside
>>before dusk fell. It was the same with Jesse, Jenny, and Trevor.
>>None of them ever stayed out alone after twilight. And they were
>>only allowed outside at night when there were at least two adults
>>in attendence, and they were *never* allowed to walk even a few
>>steps beyond their parents' watchful eyes.
Giles: Sadly, tonight was the exeption, they all walked beyond their parents' supervision, were killed, and the story ended.
Buffy: Nice with the sarcasm, Giles.
>>But now it was dusk,
All: We already know this!
>>and everyone was still at his house, and they had to go home.
Xander: Gee, imagine people having to go home.
>>The adults talked very quietly, and very quickly. Hunter could feel
>>their worry, as if it were a living thing that he watched take form
Cordelia: This being the Hellmouth, though, it wouldn't be surprising if it did.
Willow: This being badfic, it wouldn't be surprising if it was named Bill.
>>Hunter wondered why they were so worried tonight, after all, this
>>had happened before, when they had friends over after dark.
>>Usually, they would just walk quickly home.
Buffy: I guess no one owns cars.
>>But they seemed extra worried tonight. Hunter noticed that his
>>parents always seemed more cautious about the coming of night
>>around special days, like his parents' anniversary, or his mother's
>>birthday, or Christmas, or Valentine's Day.
Xander: Angelus really puts the zing into holidays, huh?
Angel: Do you mind, Xander? I'm still trying to repress everything that happened on Valentine's Day and Buffy's last two birthdays.
Willow: Don't forget about "Amends".
Buffy: Yeah, hun, way to surprise me for Christmas. Try to kill yourself.
Giles: Er, can we get back to reading?
>>But they were always very, very, careful around his birthday.
Xander: I guess we didn't want Angel to drop by and give him a card.
>>He wondered why, at the time, but he was sleepy after the long day,
>>and he let the thought drift away.
>>It was decided that Jesse would sleep over with him, and Uncle Oz
>>would pick him up tomarrow morning, before he started work. Uncle
>>Oz taught at Physics at the high school, and Aunt Willow taught it
>>at the college.
Angel: Very math-oriented family.
Buffy: I never really pegged Oz as the teaching type.
Willow: Me neither. Unless it was music-lessons.
>>They also both did some computer programing on the side.
Cordelia: Living the American Dream?
Willow: Except for the part where I chain up my husband for three days out of the month.
Xander: Okay, that just sounded bad.
>>Luckily, Aunt Cordelia had had to leave early with Trevor, at about
Giles: No reason why, she just left.
Angel: This is badfic. Just keep repeating that to yourself.
>>But Jenny had an important doctor's appointment early tomarrow,
Xander: Finally found time to go ahead with the labotomy plan?
>>and was also getting fussy, and wanted to go home.
Giles: Overuse of the word 'and'.
Buffy: Plus, spelling is not this girl's friend.
>>So Aunt Willow and Uncle Oz got ready to go.
Cordelia: How long did it take us to get to this point?
Willow: Don't think about it, it'll just depress you.
>>Hunter's mother and father decided to walk with them, just to see
>>that they got home all right, and his mother volunteered to carry
>>Jenny if Aunt Willow got tired. Then Hunter's mother gave him a hug
>>and a kiss.
>>"Happy Birthday, sweetie." she said. Then, a strange look passed
>>over her face, and she seemed to try and shake something off.
Xander: It turned out to be a fly, though, and she shook it off and got on with life.
>>Still with a shadow in her eyes,
Angel: Clearly the authors didn't provide decent lighting.
>>she said: "Be a good boy, and don't take your cross off, we don't
>>want to lose it." Those were the last words she ever said to him.
Cordelia: Because she ran off to Vegas the next morning.
Angel: To hook up with her old boyfriend.
Buffy: And live a happy life.
>>He was very young, but for years he would have nightmares about
>>that moment, when his mother got up to leave. He watched as his
>>father helped her into her coat.
Xander: See? I'm a good husband.
>>In his mind's eye, he could still see the loving look they
Angel: Well, if she's about to die, at least that means that there will be no more exchanging loving looks around here!
>>Her shoulder length blonde hair shimmered in the dim light,
Giles: Again with the lighting.
>>and her green eyes sparkled as she waved to him.
Willow: Really weird use of lighting.
>>In his nightmares, he would always scream for her not to go. But it
>>never did any good, she left, as she always left, with her special
>>bounce in her walk,
Xander: Which was because of the trampolene-floor.
Xander: Specially designed.
>>and his father's arm around her waist.
Angel: < growling >
Giles: Angel, you really have to relax.
>>And then the door clicked shut behind her.
Xander: This click was brought to you by FX special effects.
>>Jesse had already fallen asleep, so Grandpa Giles carried him up to
Giles: I don't approve of this 'Grandpa Giles' trend.
Cordelia: Plus it looks like they're using you as free child-care.
>>He returned for him, but Hunter begged him for a story.
Angel: Once there was a really obnoxious jerk named Xander, who somehow tricked your mommy into marrying him.
Xander: Once there was an annoying loser named Angel, who went around eating people and abandoned your mommy when she was pregnant.
Buffy: I don't think either of those stories would be appropriate for my son.
>>Giles gave in, unable to refuse the boy's simple request when he
>>sat there in fuzzy yellow feety pajamas, with his pleading eyes (so
>>like his mother's) staring up at him.
Cordelia: Just how late are you letting this kid stay up until?
Xander: Giles, when we left you to care for our son, we expected him to be put to bed. Not running around at all hours of the night.
>>Giles seated himself back on the couch, and Hunter cuddled up to
>>him, and his brown hair (in desperate need of a haircut) caught the
>>static from Giles' tweed vest and began to friz.
Giles: Actually, I use this wonderful fabric softener that keeps my vests static-free.
>>He told Hunter stories that were fantastic and amazing, but always
>>ended happily, with the hero winning.
Angel: ..and the vampire getting the girl.
Xander: Dream on, dead boy.
>>About twenty minutes passed in this pleasant manner, and then the
>>stillness of the evening was torn
Cordelia: First the happiness was dissolved, now the stillness has been torn.
Willow: This evening isn't holding up very well.
>>when the door slammed open, and Aunt Willow stumbled in, bleeding
>>profusely from a gash on her forehead,
Buffy: That's definitely going to need stitches.
>>half supported by her husband, who carried the body of their
Angel: Gotta say, I didn't see that one coming.
Willow: Now I feel guilt for the death of my fictional child.
Buffy: Everyone needs a pet psychosis.
>>Six-year-old Jenny Seneca's neck had been snapped, like that of her
>>namesake, Jenny Calender, dead for eleven years.
Cordelia: You were just asking for trouble when you named her after Miss Calendar.
Willow: Jeez, just give me *more* guilt.
>>Later, the police were amazed that Oz Seneca had been able to both
>>support his wife and carry his child, because his arm had been
>>snapped in three places.
>>Hunter's father came in behind them. His hands were covered in
>>slashes, and his shoulder was bleeding from a shallow knife wound.
Xander: Ow. Why am I always hurt in these fics?
Willow: Hello? Death of a child and husband's arm broken over here.
Xander: Oh, right.
>>His face was a mask of agony and loss, but not because of his
Giles: It was because he had just realized what college costs were likely to be for his son.
>>Xander Harris didn't even know about them. In his arms lay his
>>beloved wife, bleeding from numerous small wounds on her arms and
>>face. But Hunter didn't see those then. What he saw was where his
>>mother's throat had been ripped open.
Cordelia: That kid is going to need *serious* therapy for that one.
Buffy: At least I'm out of the story now.
>>It was years later that Hunter ever wondered why there had been so
>>little blood at that massive wound.
Giles: Of course, little can be a relative term.
>>He blamed it on the memory of a child, even though he knew that the
>>memory was crystal clear. All Hunter could do was kneel by his
>>mother's body, and sob. Just as his father was doing.
>>Hunter never shed a tear after that awful night. As he stood
>>between his father and Giles, watching as his mother's coffin was
>>lowered into the ground, he made a promise. To his mother, the
>>person he loved most in the whole world. He promised that he would
Cordelia: Always eat his vegetables.
Xander: Clean his room.
>>avenge her. That he would become what his name meant. He would
>>become a hunter.
Buffy: Of what?
Giles: Well, this being Sunnydale...
>>And he would also do the last thing his mother ever told him. He
>>never took his cross off again.
Cordelia: Wouldn't that make it hard to shower?
Xander: He also swore off showers.