Quick Summary: Buffy, Angel, Willow, Cordelia, Giles, and Xander are stuck on a satellite where the Mayor and Faith are sending them Badfanfic to read, and they keep their sanity by making sarcastic comments.

Dedication: My sincerest gratitude and apologies to Jenni W.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

< The SOL, just after lunch. Giles and Willow are reading, Cordelia and Xander are arguing, and Angel and Buffy are smootching. Just your typical day on the Satellite. >

< The screen lights up suddenly >

Mayor: Heya kids! How are you doing this fine day?

All: < dully > Fine.

Mayor: That doesn't sound very enthusiastic. Let's try again!

All: < with Valley-Girl-like perkiness > Fine!

Mayor: Those are my little troopers! Is everything ship-shape up there on the sattelite?

Xander: Half the channels on the TV are locked out! This place sucks.

Mayor: Alexander, you know I don't approve of you using that kind of langouge. And I'm locking out those channels for your own protection. You're far too young and impressionable to be exposed to some of the things that are on TV these days.

Buffy: And yet I can still go out and kill demons.

Willow: Actually, Buffy, technically you can't. After all, we're kinda stuck on the satellite.

Cordelia: Are we going to be up here much longer? I'm bo-ored!

Mayor: I know what'll turn those frowns upside down! I'll send up some board games!

Giles: Well, I guess that would be an improvement.

Angel: Board games?

Buffy: You know, Monopoly, Scrabble, Parchizzi. Am I ringing any bells here?

Xander: Geez, Angel, Monopoly has been around for 50 years. You *must've* played it at least once.

Angel: I was busy, okay?

Xander: Oh, yeah, slumming on the streets of New York.

Mayor: Now, boys, that's quite enough fighting. I want you two to shake hands and appologize.

Xander and Angel: *muttering* Sorry. < they shake hands reluctantly > Mayor: That's better. Now, Faith and I have a special treat for you.

All: < suspiciously > What?

Mayor: Reading is important at your age, but since you *are* my enemies, I couldn't really start sending you comics.

Faith: < entering > So I came up with a solution for him.

Mayor: < proudly > Isn't she wonderful?

Angel: Ye-ah, she's just snazzy. So just what are you going to make us read?

Mayor: I had Faith track down the worst fanfiction she could find.

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faith: Yeah, and I gotta say, this one is pretty crappy.

Mayor: Faith, watch the langouge. Now, I want you all to get cracking.

< screen turns off >

>>The Slayer's Hunter

Buffy: Okay, what kind of title is *that*?

Willow: Apparently someone is hunting you.

Angel: And with such a woosy plot like that, we *know* that this is going to be painful.

>>by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare

Buffy: Do you think we could call animal control?

Giles: A rabbit wrote this?

Cordelia: Or some girl with a rabbit fetish.

Xander: Okay, at this point let's use a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy.

>>and Stone Cold

Xander: The wrestler?

Angel: I didn't know he wrote fanfic.

>>Disclaimer:

Cordelia: Geez, we have to go through all of this?

Giles: Apparently the authors don't feel like getting sued.

Angel: As if lawyers have nothing better to do than to go through fanfics and look for those that disclaimers.

Xander: Welcome to the American legal system.

>>Joss owns it all,

All: Hey!

Cordelia: I own myself, thank you very much!

>>and we all thank him for giving us this wonderful Buffyverse to
>>play in.

Xander: And for the acid that he apparently shared with these authors.

Buffy: We're not even past the disclaimer and we're doing Joss/acid jokes.

Xander: Your problem being?

Buffy: Nothing, just commenting.

>>Dedication:

Giles: Oh, just get to the story already!

Angel: You're actually asking for the story?

Giles: The sooner we read it, the sooner I can get back to my book.

>>So many people to thank.

Xander: The doctors at the asylum...the drug dealers...

>>I'll start off with my great co-author, Stone Cold.

Willow: Start off with? Does this mean that we're going to have to hear more thanks later?

Giles: I hope not.

>>
>> -------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> Prologue
>>
>> -------------------------------------------------------

Cordelia: Great, multiple parts. How long do you think this is going to take?

Xander: {checking watch} Hopefully not too long. 'Baywatch' is on soon.

Angel: {worried} Okay, everyone hurry!

>>"Xander, are you sure you want to do this?"

Xander: Aw, damn, I'm in this one!

Buffy: What do you think you're about to do?

Angel: With the way the fans have been treating him lately, probably a sex-change.

Xander and Cordy: Hey!

>>"Buffy, you are my dearest friend in the world.

All: Awwwwww.

>>For you, yes, I will do this."

Willow: Doing *what* is the question here.

Xander: It could be good!

Giles: I don't know. That sounded a bit, er, omnious.

>>"Xander! Think!

Angel: That's not too likely.

Xander: Shut up, Dead Boy!

>>Yes, I am your friend, and you are mine.

Cordelia: Okay, so Buffy and Xander are friends. Now that we've established this, can we move on with our lives?

Willow: Probably not, but it's a nice thought.

>>But it can never be anything more.

Angel: It had better not be!

Buffy: {suspiciously} I don't like what this is hinting at.

>>Are you sure? Will you give up your entire future for me?"

Xander: I'm giving up my entire future for her? What's up with this?

Angel: It can still jive with my sex-change theory.

Giles: How?

Buffy: I think he's just looking at the 'best-case-scenario'.

Xander: HEY!

Buffy: From his point of view, of course.

>>"Once I wanted you to be more than just my friend, and I won't lie.
>>I still hope that someday we could be like that.

Cordelia: Do you?

Xander: What?

Cordelia: Do you hope that you and Buffy can someday be more than friends?

Willow: Now there's a loaded question if I ever heard one.

Angel: {growling} Go ahead and answer her, Xander, I'm pretty interested in your answer.

Xander: Er...I'll just claim the fifth here.

>>But I'll be patient. Even if we never reach that point, being this
>>close will be enough for me."

Cordelia: And just *how* close is that?

Giles: I don't know, but from the way Angel is glaring, it's probably too close for him.

>>Buffy looked carefully into Xander's dark eyes.

Giles: Apparently Buffy has taken up optomitry as a hobby.

>>The hardest part of al of this was,

Buffy: Who's Al?

Willow: Probably a typo, but with these authors you never can tell.

>>she knew he meant every word he said.

Angel: The lie detecter she had him hooked up to helped to confirm this.

>>And it tore her apart that she couldn't give him her heart in
>>return, when she so obviously had his.

Cordelia: *WHAT*? {smacks Xander}

Xander: OW! Cordy, you can't take this story literally!

>>But you can't give what you've already given away.

Angel: All I'm saying is that it had better be me that Buffy gave it to.

Buffy: I'm sure it is. {they kiss}

Xander: Ugh. Can we get back to the story?

>>Angel had her heart.

Angel: Woo hoo!

Xander: But since it was sticky, he gave it back.

Willow: Okay, that was just gross.

>>Wherever he was now.

Xander: Well, looks like you're out of the picture.

Angel: I'm not sure if I should be happy or worried.

>>Slowly, she nodded.

Buffy: What did I just agree to?

Giles: It would be nice if we actually knew what this conversation was about.

>>That was enough for Xander.

Cordelia: He got so fed up that he went back to his girlfriend.

Willow: I don't think that's very likely.

>>He gave her a smile of pure joy, which tore at her soul. He knelt,
>>and, taking her hands in his own, he said those fateful words:

Buffy: Got milk?

Giles: Just do it.

Willow: Obey your thirst.

>>"Buffy Summers, will you marry me?"

All: Whoa!

Angel: Say no, say no, say no!

>>She managed a nod,

Angel: Dammit!

Buffy: {horrified} Oh, my God.

>>unable to speak, as sudden tears choked her voice.

Xander: Why am I always moving women to tears?

Angel: Those are probably just tears of revulsion.

>>She'd dreamed those same words for a long time, but from a very
>>different man.

Angel: Preferably a *man*.

Xander: Hey! No need to insult me just because some author likes the idea of seeing me and Buffy married.

Cordelia: Who else is feeling nausiated?

{everyone except Xander raise their hands}

Xander: Hey!

>>Xander didn't understand, but as always, he did all he could to
>>comfort her, and take her mind off of *that* subject.

Buffy: *That* subject?

Willow: Quite a bit of emphasis on *that*.

Giles: Why do I have the feeling that no one is going to enjoy what *that* subject turns out to be?

>>"We need to plan the wedding fast.

Willow: Buffy, how do you think your mom is going to take the news of your teen marriage to Xander?

Buffy: Not well.

Giles: On the bright side, it will put the whole Slayer issue into a whole different perspective.

Xander: What, being destined to battle the forces of evil is a better fate than marrying me?

Buffy: You said it, Xander, not me.

>>There are enough rumors already, and there'll be even more, but
>>let's at least head off as many as we can."

Cordelia: Rumors?

Buffy: Why do I *really* not like the sound of that?

Angel: Apart from the fact that it just came after a sentance planning your marriage to Xander?

Buffy: Good point.

>>She nodded again, and they both looked down at their joined hands.

Angel: I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Buffy: Don't worry, hon, there isn't very much left.

>>Which rested on her stomach, where for the first time, she had felt
>>her child kick.

All: Whoa, again!

Buffy: I'm *pregnant*? Not only am I getting married to Xander, but I'm going to be a teen mother? I don't believe this!

Willow: Boy, Giles, this probably won't look good on your Watcher transcripts. With your Slayer getting pregnant and all.

Giles: {slightly pained} Can we *not* go into that?

Cordelia: What I'd like to know is if she's pregnant, why is she marrying Xander?

Willow: I guess he must be the father.

Angel: Xander, I swear to God-

Xander: I'm *NOT* the father! Geez, maybe it was just a one-night-stand with some guy she met at a party.

Buffy: You're not helping!

Willow: Your mom is *really* going to flip over this one.

Giles: Er, can we get back to the story now?

>
> * * *
>

Willow: Great, a break in the action.

Cordelia: There's been some action?

Willow: Oh, good point.

>>The wedding was fast. And small. And short.

Angel: It sounds almost like they went to Vegas.

Buffy: Great, add to the insult!

>>But the only people who really mattered were there.

Giles: I guess that would be Buffy, Xander, the priest, and Buffy's little passenger. {Buffy glares at him}

>>Buffy's mother had been killed the year after their graduation from
>>Sunnydale High.

Cordelia: Well, that takes care of the problem of telling your mom about the pregnancy and the marriage.

>>Xander's father had run off, and his mother had condemned the
>>marriage to the point where she refused to even come to the
>>wedding.

Giles: Looks like the groom's side of the church is going to be a bit empty.

>>And so, Buffy was walked down the aisle by her Watcher.

Buffy: Wait a minute, nothing happened to my dad! Why isn't he there?

Xander: Maybe we forgot to call him when we were planning.

>>Oz was the best man.

Xander: My best man is a werewolf. This is clearly a wedding on the Hellmouth.

>>His fiance Willow was the maid of honor,

Willow: I'm engaged to Oz?

Buffy: At least one of us is happy.

>>and the recently engaged Cordelia was one of the bridesmaids.

Buffy: Engaged to who? We've run out of guys.

Willow: Angel's still free.

Cordy, Angel, Xander, and Buffy: Hey!

Willow: Okay, scratch that idea.

>>The pews of the tiny church were modestly filled with several of
>>their old friends from high school, and some other friends made at
>>Sunnydale Community College.

Buffy: So we all went to college? Well, at least I'm not a high school dropout.

Cordelia: Who'd'a thunk it.

>>Of all the 'dearly beloved' gathered there

Xander: Well, it looks like Angel didn't show up.

Angel: Come to a wedding where my girlfriend is marrying a complete wanker? The only reason I'd show up would be to try to break whatever hypnotic control you had over her!

Willow: Anytime, now, guys.

>>on that bright day, only six knew the real reason behind the
>>wedding.

Buffy: My guess is drugs.

Giles: I'd have to go with that one.

Angel: Same.

Willow: Blackmail?

Cordelia: Whatever it is, it had better be a good reason for stealing my boyfriend, Buffy!

>>Five months later, the whole town knew the reason.

Angel: Ah, apparently the drug ring was broken up. So this means that a divorce can be arranged, and Buffy can return to her old boyfriend.

Giles: We can only hope.

>>They all jumped to the perfectly obvious conclusion.

Angel: Drugs?

Willow: Blackmail?

>>Xander Harris had gone and gotten Buffy Summers pregnant.

Angel: Can you *not* give me that mental picture?

>>That was the reason behind a marriage that while friendly,
>>comfortable, and open, was loveless.

Buffy: Well, at least I have a *pretty* good marriage.

Angel: Buffy!

Buffy: I can't even look at the bright side?

>>But they were wrong.

Angel: It's the drugs, I knew it!

Buffy: Whoa, down boy.

>>Yes, the marriage was friendly, comfortable, and open.

All: We've covered this!

>>The marriage was loveless only in a sense.

Cordelia: Damn, this is taking forever!

>>For Xander and Buffy loved each other only as the best of friends
>>do.

Angel: {growling} That had better be in a completely platonic way.

>>But, true. It did not contain those....other areas of love.

Angel: Woo hoo!

Xander: Damn!

Buffy and Cordelia: WHAT?! {both smack Xander}

Xander: Hey, I'm married! I can at least hope. {glares from Angel, Buffy, and Cordelia}

>>But they *were* wrong in one major factor.

Giles: Do you think we're going to find out soon?

Willow: With the way these authors have been stringing it out? Probably not.

>>Xander Harris was not the father of the baby.

Willow: I stand corrected.

Angel: Ha, I knew it!

Cordelia: This leaves the question, why did he marry her?

Giles: This is badfic, does he really need a reason?

>>Angelus was.

Willow: Wait, I thought vampires couldn't have kids.

Angel: They can't! These authors are just screwing around.

Faith: (just tuning in) No, that was what Buffy was probably doing.

Buffy and Angel: HEY!

Mayor: Well, kids, how did you like it?

Buffy: Hated it. Not only am I married, but I'm pregnant too.

Angel: Hated it. Buffy's married to someone else, and the authors are messing with continuity.

Cordelia: Hated it. My boyfriend is married to Buffy.

Giles: Hated it. I could've been reading my book.

Willow: Hated it. I could've been surfing the net.

Xander: ......

{all turn to Look at him}

Xander: {defensively} Hey, at least the authors seemed to like me!

Buffy: {enraged} What?!

Mayor: What did I say about fighting? Now there's still a little more to read.

All: Damn!

>> Next Part

Angel: No thanks!

Mayor: You can read that tomorrow.

Willow: {sarcastically} Oh, goody.