Part 9
by Charlemagne
tcp@zoomnet.net
"Badminton huh. We'll kick their...." Buffy was about to finish her triumphant call as she was cut off by Giles who looked down on her disapprovingly. "Hineys?"

"YOU?! HER?! I'LL BLAST YOU ALL....I DON'T QUITE KNOW BUT AS THE GRIMREAPER YOU CAN BE SURE IT WILL BE UNPLEASANT!"

Death roared waving his cardigan covered arms over his head as he stared at Fate and Giles. Fate had intended to come here to help talk some modicrum of sense into her consort for roughly a few hundred billion years but seeing him like this, assuming the absolute worst of her, she couldn't help herself and planted an amazingly passionate kiss on Giles's face.

"Yes! I love him and we'll be married come 2286!" she said wrapping her arms around Giles and squeezing him with such an unearthly grip as to make his eyes bulge like a cartoon characters (thankfully possible and none too lethal since Death was on vacation).

"Ms. Calendar?" Willow spoke aloud staring.

"NOPE! SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND....EX-GIRLFRIEND..... FATE. ALL RIGHT, POINDEXTER, PUT UP YOUR DUKES!" Death said lifting up his fists to knock Giles into the next dimension and he literally meant it that way.

"Oh no you don't you...you...JERK! You ain't touching my Rupert. I want kids....Opportunity.....Chance....Luck, the whole shebang, you touch one hair on his....slightly graying head and so help me you'll be fated to lose EVERY CHESS GAME FROM NOW ON!"

"YOU WOULDN'T!" Death stared aghast.

"Willow, this has gone from weird to Twilight Zoneish to just plain nutty. Wanna go make out?"

"XANDER! Buffy...Angel...the other team....I'm in badminton gear for crying out loud!" Willow said blushing as everyone turned.

"YOU....and.....XANDER?!" Buffy stared suddenly losing her desire to play the Sport of...well not Kings....how about really old people?

"Yeah. I finally wised up and realized I love this red head."

It was then that The Devil and the Archangel Michael appeared. "We have a bone to pick with you two." they spoke as everyone turned. The First spoke of course first....to XANDER AND WILLOW.

"Hell just froze over." he said.

"We've agreed it's best that you two come along with us."

*****

Oz immediately grabbed his keys after hearing the dire proclamation that unless two of the most powerful beings in the universe were reunited the universe would be totally annihilated.

"Oh God." he said next.

"Yes?" the plainly dressed man said, strapping himself inside with his seat belt (for he was omniscent and knew how often car accidents occured).

"Uh....nothing dude. Actually hey...can you give me some info while we're going?" Oz spoke rather unsettled that his van was taking the rather important personage and he didn't even have time to clean up.

"Okay.....what?" The Supreme and Total spoke picking up a copy of Rolling Stone. "Hey the new issue." and started flipping through it.

"Uh...don't you know?" he said

"Course I do but I prefer to not scare the beejeebees out of people. The answers are....yes he was gay. They're not getting back together. No matter what the tabloid say....ELVIS IS DEAD.....okay I'm feeling generous...he's alive again....The best way to persuade the two to get back together is cohersion....for that I've given you complete control over your werewolf form with a slight change."

"What's that?" Oz said realizing his Sunday school class was a bit wrong but REALLY wishing he had paid more attention.

"You will now turn into a six foot tall VORPAL BUNNY!" he spoke aloud, lighting crashing for special effects.

Oz slammed on the brakes. "NO! That's horrid! What those things did in Monty Python...how horrible..."

"It's the only way kid. Death and well...heck even Scratch and Mikey are scared of those things. Oh and as to your last question the cause of all the deaths in Sunnydale is Larry."

"LARRY? The gay jock?" Oz said.

"You knew?" Totality asked.

"Ummm yeah of course, he keeps Secret anti-persperent in his locker. Everyone knows." Oz finished before the Supreme one ended the conversation on an ominous note.

"He is the absolute nexus of all anti-matter and evil energy in the universe, it swelling all from the cosmological mistake of seeing Spice World and becomming confused about his sexuality. Thus he will serve to be a catalyst for all troubles in the universe. You must either kill him or get him to become the newest Hanson brother."

"I'll get a ax."

*****

Principal Snyder, maimed and dead, sat at his office as Cordellia put down her term paper. He had had to substitute for several missing teachers that he had eaten this morning.

"You should really try some Oil of Oley Principle Snyder." were her parting words as he shuffled it with his one arm. The Mayor had decided to have his arm serve as his new secretary since the Mayor was a lefty and preferred his stationary written that way.

Still on his remote TV he was watching the badminton tournament and hoping greatly that the good guys didn't realize that badminton was actually a key part in summoning the Dark Lord of Saturday Morning Cartoons to Sunnydale.

It was then that his paycheck for the week, opening it he saw with horror he had been CUT AGAIN. Hearing a similar scream from Ethan, who was teaching remedial English, he knew something had to be done.

"I will lead all the dead in Sunnydale to destroy you Mayor Wilkens! You will not stop me!"

*****

Part 10