Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, the WB, and the rat-bastards own all the rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel: The Series. Doctor Seuss owns all rights to 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'
Author's Notes: Yes, I did it last year, and I'm doing it again now. *g* Behold, my written-start-to-finish-on-Christmas-Eve fic! (that's my reason why it stinks. *g*)
Dedication: To my dear friends. Amanda, Ana, Andra, Anja, Anya, Bedwyr, Bitca, CaBil, Claddagh, Felicity, Frances, Gabe, Genevieve, Hunter, Isis, Jai, Jane, Jeanie the Tortoise-Fly, Jill, Joel the Peppermint Whale, John the Flatulent Skunk, Jules, Julia Sen, Julie the Meadow Lurk, Karen, Kris, Lea the Vampire Bat, Linda, MMT, Me, Mediancat, Mek, Mike Donovan, Nat, Petronius, Quianca the Quivering Coyote, Sam, Sara Davis, Siobhan, Staceydelise, Stargrass, Steph, Stone Cold, Tia, Theo, TJ Thwaites, Tom, Tom MacCarrol, Ultimate Loser, Vamp Baby, Windrider, & Zak. Also dedicated to the denizens of Watchers Council, and Sans Sanity.
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Every Sunnydalian down in Sunnydale liked Christmas (or their holiday of choice) a lot...but the Grinch, who lived just north of Sunnydale, did *not*! The Grinch hated Christmas (and other holidays of personal choice)! The whole Christmas (and other festive and equally valid holidays) season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
Whatever his reason was, the Grinch hated Christmas (and other festive holidays celebrated by the residents of Sunnydale), and also hated the Sunnydalians. He stood at the entrance of his cave, which was three-thousand feet up at the summit of Mt. Crumpit, and glared down at the small town. Because of an excellent echo effect that was truly a intriguing natural phenomena, the Grinch could hear all the merriment that was occurring down below in the aforementioned town.
Now, after about the four thousandth time that he heard 'White Christmas' played, the Grinch completely snapped.
"They're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, "I *must* find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
So the Grinch thought, and thought, and thought. Once that didn't work, he pondered. After pondering for a little while, he got an idea. An awful idea. THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat. And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat (because before he moved up to live in the cave at the summit of Mt. Crumpit he had actually had a rather lucrative career as a tailor). And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick! With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!" (well, actually he didn't really look like Saint Nick, not only because Saint Nick died several centuries ago in the Byzantine empire, but because the Grinch used his Stairmaster every day.)
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grinch looked around. But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found. (this was due to the excessive hunting of the reindeer in the colonial period of earlier Sunnydale, which occurred right after the massacre of the people indigenous to the area) Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!" (you have to admire the Grinch in that he really was a very goal-oriented fella)
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread and he tied a big horn on the top of his head. (now, this was rather abusive to poor, faithful Max. If the ASPCA had had an outpost on the top of Mt. Crumpit, than there would've been trouble, let me tell you.)
Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks on a ramshackle sleigh (which he had left over from his last garage sale) and he hitched up old Max. (which was yet another example of horrendous animal abuse to poor, faithful Max)
Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down toward the homes where the Sunnydalians lay a-snooze in their town. (the homes were in the town, so it stands to reason that the Sunnydalians were sleeping in their own town. Unless of course they had been sleeping in Constantanople, because then they'd be in Istanbul.)
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the Sunnydalians were all dreaming sweet dreams without care. (they were without any cares because everyone had invested in state-of-the-art security systems)
When he came to the first little house on the block. "This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Claus hissed and he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. (unfortunately, the makers of the state-of-the-art security systems had assumed that no one would be trying to go down the chimney) A rather tight pinch. But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. (especially since the Grinch used his Stairmaster far more than old Nick did) He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue where the little Sunnydale stockings all hung in a row. "These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
With an evil, crafty grin, the Grinch began to shove the stockings into the bag, when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Sunnydalian! Little Buffy Summers, who was not more than eighteen.
The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Slayer who'd gotten out of bed for a cup of cold water. She stared at the Grinch and said, "Okay, Santy Claus, you'd better have a *DAMN* good reason for all of this."
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied, "There's a string on this stocking that has come quite undone. So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
Now, had the Grinch been talking to a child of two (perhaps a child of two named Cindy-Lou Who) this might've flown. Unfortunately, he was dealing with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There weren't many demons that could fool this girl, and the Grinch did not number among the few.
Buffy Summers punched that pseudo-Saint Nick hard in the face, and the Grinch fell backwards and onto the pile of presents, breaking them all. After a moment to collect himself, the Grinch fought back.
Throughout the house, the sound of the battle woke up the other inhabitants. And one after the other, Xander, Willow, Anya, Oz, Doyle, Wesley, Riley, Cordelia, Spike, Angel, and Giles all came running into the living room. (the explanation for this was rather simple, actually. Joyce was out of town for the holidays, so Buffy was all alone. Giles, not wanting his Slayer to be alone, came to keep her company, and he had to bring Spike with him. Xander was trying to avoid his family anyway, so he came. Anya went wherever Xander did, so she showed up. Willow came to see Xander do the Snoopy-dance, and then Oz came back, having discovered that learning to swing dance healed all of his inner turmoil. Cordelia didn't want to spend the holiday with Sir Broodsalot, so she convinced Wesley to drive her down to Sunnydale for the holidays. Doyle was thrown out of heaven for giving the Powers That Be the finger, and came looking for Cordelia so that he could finally take her out to dinner. Angel was hurt that Cordelia had left him, and so followed her to Sunnydale to tell her. And then Riley showed up on Christmas Eve through what seemed like a rather useless plot device concocted by the author. In yet another useless plot device, he and Angel played lots of Trivial Pursuit and became friends, and Angel agreed that Riley was a much better guy for Buffy. There was rejoicing all around. That is, until the sleeping arrangements had to be made and there was a shortage of sleeping bags. But that's another story.)
The fight between Buffy and the Grinch turned into an out-and-out brawl, and the tree, the presents, and all of Christmas dinner was demolished. (the tree and the presents were destroyed in the brawl, but the dinner was demolished when both Doyle and Xander decided to have a snack while everyone else handled the Grinch)
After a long battle, Buffy grabbed the log from the fire and broke off a piece, which she then thrust into the Grinch's chest. To everyone's amazement, he merely stood there and laughed.
"Ha ha!" this false Santa cried, "your stake cannot work on me, because my heart is two sizes too small!"
With another cackling laugh, the Grinch jumped out the window, having seen the damage done. With a crack of his whip, he and Max were away! Back to his cave on the summit of Mt. Crumpit, to watch and plan for Y2K!
Back at the Summers residence, everyone gathered in the living room.
"It's all gone," Cordelia said sadly, "The presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!"
"I guess the Grinch just stole Christmas (and other equally valid holidays)." Anya agreed.
"Not at all!" Giles said, suddenly, "Christmas day will come at last, as long as we have hands to clasp."
"And all the other equally valid holidays," Buffy reminded him.
And so all the members of the Scooby Gang, old and new, the tall and the small, stood close together, and Christmas bells began ringing. They stood hand-in-hand, as the carollers began singing.
Because the Grinch *hadn't* stopped Christmas (and all other holidays) from coming. It came. Somehow or other, it came just the same! It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags. Because Christmas and other holidays don't comes from the stores. Christmas and other holidays means quite a bit more!
And so the Scooby Gang gathered around the table, peaceful at last. And between them all they divided the last can of Who-Hash!
Happy Holidays to everyone!
~Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
