Author's Notes: This story is long, rambling, written on Valentine's Day, and utterly bizarre. Read at your own risk.
Set after The Zeppo
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
"Yes, please come in. Have a seat."
"Is this going to take very long, sir? This is my busiest day of the year, after all."
"Well, I'll try to get this finished quickly. I've been going over your quarterly report, and I have a few questions."
"Now, I'm not going to tell you how to do your job, but Supplies has informed me that you've been using an astonishing amount of arrows on one small group of people. Besides that, I've recieved quite a few complaints about your work. Now, I'm offering you to give me your explanation about this."
"Now, according to Supplies you made use of an infatuation arrow on one member of this group during her childhood."
"Yes, that's true. Miss Rosenburg had a crush on Mr. Harris dating back to when she was five."
"And your reasons behind this?"
"Well, everyone needs a childhood crush. I expected it to end when Mr. Harris stole her Barbie."
"But this wasn't the case?"
"Unfortunately, no. Miss Rosenburg proved to be quite persistant."
"Don't they all. Supplies report that you next used a true love arrow on another member of the group several years later."
"Yes, sir. Mr. Angel fell in love with Miss Summers the first time he saw her."
"And your reasons behind this?"
"Well, I reasoned that Mr. Angel would only aid the Slayer if he had a definate ulterior motive. True love seemed like a good one. Also, a Mr. Whistler had requested that actions be taken to ensure that Mr. Angel feel some connection to Miss Summers. There is the official requisition form right there in the file."
"Yes, I've looked at it. Though it is in order, what motivated you to iniciate true love rather than simple infatuation?"
"With all due respect, sir, it's a bit harder to ignore true love than to ignore a crush."
"True enough. Now, Supplies report your use of a second infatuation arrow a year later."
"Yes, sir, Mr. Harris developed a crush on Miss Summers on her first day in Sunnydale High School."
"But I notice that according to these records Miss Rosenburg was still infatuated with Mr. Harris, even at the time that you iniciated the infatuation with Miss Summers."
"Yes, sir. I hoped that such an obvious interest on Mr. Harris' part towards another girl might cause Miss Rosenburg to finally snap out of her infatuation towards him."
"And during all of this, a mutual friend of both Miss Rosenburg and Mr Harris had a crush on a Miss Chase."
"Yes, sir. That was a simple crush, and had been iniciated earlier that year. As you will note from the boy's record, he died that night, thus ending any complications that might've arison from it."
"I see. Now, it was also that night that Mr. Angel first came into contact with Miss Summers?"
"Yes, sir. But if you look at the records, I did not iniciate infatuation on her part until later."
"Around the time of the Mantis Incident on the part of Mr. Harris, correct?"
"And what were your motives in intigating this? Have you been accepting bribes from Cruel Irony again?"
"Certainly not, sir! I admit that both he and Fate were making suggestions, but I only instigated it because I believed that she would accept his aid more readily if she had an ulterior motive, such as being interested in seeing him again."
"Yet according to the records the infatuation had manifested itself as love soon after."
"Mr. Eros, what is your explanation on that issue?"
"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"She was cute, he was cute, I thought they'd make a nice couple."
"Ignoring the entire Slayer/Vampire issue."
"Can't I be entitled to a few mistakes?"
"I think you more than filled your quota with the whole Montague/Capulet fiasco. But since you do have a busy evening ahead of you, I'll move on. Now, your next two targets were simultaneous, a Mr. Giles, and a Miss Janna, aka Miss Calendar."
"Yes, sir. Mild attraction on both sides, but as you can see from the records it remained merely that for quite some time."
"Yes. And from the records, things seem to have remained in their strange little orbit for a period of time, except for the fact that sometime along the way Mr. Harris moved out of the 'infatuated' bracket and into the 'love' bracket as far as his regard towards Miss Summers goes. Now how did *that* happen."
"I honestly don't know, sir. Sometimes these things surprise even me."
"Careless, Mr. Eros, very careless. I'll have to write you up on that count. However, aside from that ghastly incident involving Miss Summers' death, things seem to be in order for while. Miss Calendar and Mr. Giles began dating, but as you had set things for that in motion earlier, I can't fault you on that, dispite the possibilities for conflict that Miss Calendar's background offered."
"Well, sir, I had assumed that if things became serious between the two of them, Miss Calendar would reveal her motives on her own."
"Can't fault you on that one. And then there was the business of the werewolf."
"Well, sir, he wasn't a werewolf yet at that particular juncture. Just a musician. But he and Ms. Rosenburg were very suited to one another."
"But a love arrow on his part? Isn't that just a bit much?"
"In that Eskimo suit I wasn't sure he would even be able to see her face. I wanted to be sure it got him."
"You certainly did. And this was around your use of two lust arrows?"
"Yes. One arrow for Mr. Harris, the second for Miss Chase. I must say, they resisted the effects for a rather surprising length of time."
"Considering that they loathed each other at that juncture, I'm not that astonished. And the arrows finally kicked in a day or so after Miss Rosenburg finally met the musician?"
"Yes. A possibility where both parties might die will do it every time."
"True enough. And things continued this way until..."
"Well, until things went to Hell, figuratively speaking, of course."
"Indeed. Now, Mr. Angel and Miss Summers declare their love for one another, then he loses his soul and we have to deal with Mr. Angelus. Then, Miss Rosenburg walks in on Mr. Harris and Miss Chase together."
"I'd like to point out, for the record, sir, that that incident finally caused Miss Rosenburg to admit her feelings for Mr. Harris to his face, and also allowed her to move on to her musician friend."
"Noted. Then, the relationship between Mr. Giles and Miss Calendar is broken off due to the revelation of her true motives for being in Sunnydale. And according to these reports, the pair actually loved each other. Any comments?"
"Really bad timing?"
"In a nutshell, yes. To add to that, the return of Mr. Angelus began placing some strain on the relationship between Mr. William and Miss Drusilla. Now this whole destestable situation continued for several months, hardly your most shining period."
"Then, if possible, things get even worse. Miss Calendar is on the verge of a reconciliation with Mr. Giles and has just discovered a way to restore Mr. Angel, when she is killed by Mr. Angelus."
"Yes, but to my credit Mr. Harris and Miss Chase had moved beyond mere lust and into the realms of actual affection."
"And at that point that was your only saving grace. Then things get worse, though at that point few people could believe they actually could. Mr. Angel is restored, just in time for Miss Summers to send him to Hell."
"And things have only gotten more tangled since then. I'm just going to read the items off a list. A mis-fired lust arrow that results in Mr. Harris and Miss Rosenburg cheating on their significant others with one another, just as Miss Chase finally admits her love for Mr. Harris, and resulting in the break-up of both couples. And while Miss Rosenburg and the werewolf have reconciled their differences, the rather painful estrangement between Mr. Harris and Miss Chase remains. Then we have the brief tryst between Mr. Harris and the second Slayer, which we have yet to see where that will lead. A spat of insanity between Mr. Giles and Mrs. Summers that occured under the influence of 'band candy', which we're also still observing. The file I have on the relationship between Miss Summers and Mr. Angel is large enough that I would need the rest of the evening to go through it."
"Um, is there anything else, sir?"
"And that is?"
"Keep up the good work. Now go enjoy your night."
"Thank you, sir."