Author's Notes: John Proctor, Elizabeth Proctor, Reverend Hale and all of the other characters mentioned were real people. During the Salem Witch Trials, they were the victims of hysteria, paranoia, and greed. The victims of this reprehensible chapter in American history are remembered at the Salem Memorial, in Salem, Massachusetts.
< in the Sunnydale auditoreum, characters mill around restlessly. Above the general murmer, outraged cries can be heard. >
Buffy: Another play? What does this girl think this is, the Sunnydale Acting Troupe?
Faith: Which one is it this time?"
Xander: It had better not be another Shakespearian. My tights are giving me a rash.
Cordelia: But you look so cute in them, Xander. You have the legs for tights.
Xander: Shut up, Cormia.
Cordelia: Don't push it, Lyxander.
Oz: Whoa, break it up, you two, the Bunnygirl is about to call characters.
Willow: Gee, I can barely contain my joy.
Angel: I thought you were enjoying all of this, Willow.
Willow: Getting up in front of people dressed in a stupid outfit and reciting Shakespeare? Sorry, I'll pass any day. Did anyone find out what play we're doing?
Giles: I saw her going through a copy of 'Julius Caesar'.
Xander: Great. Togas. Throw in some rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.
Ford: Shhh! She's about to start!
< Robyn TSH walks up to the podium to half-hearted applause. >
Robyn TSH: Good news, everyone! I've decided to do a new crossover play.
Spike: WHAT? We're not even three scenes into that other project of yours, you wanker!
Robyn TSH: Shut up, or I'll write a romance between you and Snyder!
< Spike huddles down into his seat at the threat >
Robyn TSH: < clearing throat > That's better. Now, the play will be, "The Crucible".
< shocked silence, broken by a lone voice >
Amy: < sarcastically > Gee, I wonder what part I'll get.
< ignoring Amy, Robyn starts to read off parts. >
Robyn TSH: The part of Reverend Parris will be played by....Wesley Winden-Price.
Giles: < muttering > Figures.
Robyn TSH: The part of his daugher, Betty Parris, will be played by the Annointed One.
Colin: WHAT? I'm a boy, for crying out loud! < Spike snickers >
Robyn TSH: The Jamaican servent, Tituba, will be played by Kendra.
Kendra: Can't you just let me DIE already?!
Robyn TSH: No. The part of Abigail Williams will be played by Faith.
Faith: Screw this. I'm out of here.
< Faith starts to walk towards the door. >
Robyn TSH: Faith, if you walk out of that door, you will be starring in my next fic. It involves you, a Kareoke bar, and the song stylings of Gilbert and Sullivan.
< Shuddering, Faith returns to her seat. >
Robyn TSH: And that goes for anyone else who isn't a team player.
< entire audience shudders in horror >
Robyn TSH: That's better. The part of Susanna Walcott will be played by Gwendolyn Post.
Gwendolyn Post: What am I doing in this? I was in one episode, for crying out loud! I showed up, fooled everyone, used a magic mitten, and died!
Robyn TSH: I needed nasty people for Faith's group. You fit the bill. Moving on, the part of Thomas Putnam will be played by Spike.
Spike: BLOODY HELL!
Buffy: Feel better, now?
Spike: Yes, actually I do.
Robyn TSH: The part of his wife, Ann Putnam, will be played by Drusilla.
Xander: You know, just the idea of Spike and Dru in Puritan times as a married couple...
Xander: On so many levels.
Robyn TSH: The part of Mercy Lewis will be played by Harmony.
Faith: < to Harmony > Welcome to the posse.
Robyn TSH: The part of Mary Warren will be played by Willow.
Willow: Okay, I think I liked my part in the other play better.
Robyn TSH: The part of John Proctor will be played by Angel.
Giles: Oh, my.
Xander: Hah! So you had an affair with Faith!
Buffy: What? < slaps Angel >
Angel: It's not true! It's just a play! I've been falsely accused!
< Buffy gives him an icy look. Angel glares at Robyn, who continues on cheerfully >
Robyn TSH: The part of Rebecca Nurse will be played by Cordelia.
Cordelia: Good God.
Xander: < tauntingly > Someone's in their nine-ties, someone's in their nine-ties.
Robyn TSH: The part of Giles Corey will be played by Giles.
Buffy: Big surprise there.
Giles: I'm shocked. Really.
Robyn TSH: The part of Reverend John Hale will be played by Xander.
Xander: That's not so bad.
Robyn TSH: The part of Elizabeth Proctor, John Proctor's wife, will be played by...
Buffy: < to Angel > It had better be me. That's all I'm saying.
Robyn TSH: ....by Buffy.
Angel: < phew >!
Buffy: You cheated on me with Faith? Pig! < slaps Angel again >
Angel: I just can't win, can I?
Xander: You and Bob Dole.
Robyn TSH: The part of Francis Nurse will be played by Kevin.
< long silence. crickets chirping >
Robyn TSH: That guy that Cordelia was going out with in Prophesy Girl. You know, the one who was killed in the AV room?
Robyn TSH: The part of Ezekial Cheever will be played by Oz.
Oz: Drat, I was hoping she had forgotten about me.
Robyn TSH: The part of Marshall Herrick will be played by Scott Hope.
Angel: Scott's in this? The guy Buffy went out with?
Buffy: Calm down, honey.
Robyn TSH: Judge Hathorne will be played by Owen.
Angel: OWEN'S in this, too?
Xander: Down, boy, down.
Robyn TSH: Deputy Governer Danforth will be played by Principal Snyder.
Spike: Makes sense. The biggest SOB in the town playing the biggest SOB in the play.
Robyn TSH: Sarah Good, an accused witch, will be played by Amy Madison.
Amy: I knew it! I knew I'd be stuck in a witch role!
Robyn TSH: And, finally, the part of Hopkins will be played by Ethan Rayne.
Ethan: What am I doing in this?
Robyn TSH: I like you.
< everyone filters out to get into costume. >